The Mule

I do so understand that I have been a lazy, useless lump on the blogging front, and so to make up for it, this post was going to be filled with deliciously insane laws from the book of weird facts a friend sent me for Christmas. However, I can't find the book. I suspect it's hidden under a pile of wreckage, as my house is currently looks like a bomb has hit it. So instead, you get to hear another boring post about my seemingly chaotic life; enjoy.

This morning, while chatting on the telephone to my aunt about (ironically) how hopeless our telephone provider is, I glanced out the window to see this stowaway in with my horses:

A festering.goddamn.donkey. I've herded the beast into the cattle yards and plan on calling animal services in the morning.

In other news, I do plan on picking up my act with this blog. I promise interesting, thought-provoking, witty posts are just around the corner. Now if I could only figure out which corner...

Happy Holidays!

I won't be around to blog tomorrow so Merry Christmas to you all in advance. Here's hoping you all have safe and happy holidays. Try not to kill the rellies.

As for me, I'll be sitting in the pool sipping apple martinis and thanking the jolly fat man for sending the children enough plastic euphoria to keep them entertained all day. Cheers!

Jingle Bells And Attempted Murder

Just got home (finally) from the very long, very stressful shoot. The photographer/agent turned up hungover to the nines, which resulted in much snapping and me struggling to keep my knife-hand away from him. It's good to be back but won't be going home for another few days as he chose to wait until the last minute to inform me that I have a meeting/interview on Saturday. So just a note to the folks back home, I won't be back until late Saturday.

Is everyone ready for Christmas? I haven't finished my shopping but not sure I could handle the crowds this time of year. Perhaps I should fork out the extra and do my last minute shopping online. Luckily, this year our family christmas get-together is on the 30th, so I can hit the after Christmas sales for most of the gifts.

Seeing as I have tomorrow free, I was thinking of taking my young cousin Bree to see Jerry Seinfeld's 'Bee Movie'. Have any readers seen it? Please comment to let me know if it's worthwhile!

Right, must bugger off as I have limited net time until I get home. Hope everyone is well!

Who Needs PR When You've Got Friends Like This?

Well, I’m home!

The reunion between Mum and Sharyn went great; a teary affair for all involved. It was great hearing stories of what mischief they got up to when they were younger. On the way home, I decided to quiz my mother on what she thought the surprise might have been.

Myself: Who did you think was going to be waiting inside?

Mother: I had no idea. I thought maybe you’d organised some superstar through your connections or something.

Myself: Like, Orlando Bloom?

Mother: Well, yeah.

Myself: You think, if given the chance, I would share him with you?

Mother: Well, no I guess not.

Myself: You can have Brad.

Mother: Deal. By the way, Sharyn was a much better surprise than Orlando.

Thank goodness for that.

Voila!

As you can see, the blog has recieved a much-needed revamp! Thankyou to Jo for her stroke of creative genius for the new name.

This morning I awoke to a most amusing conversation between myself and my grandfather, Paul.

Grandfather: Could you come out and take some pictures with the digital camera of Gran with the horses?

Myself: Mmm, okay. When did you get a digital camera?

Grandfather: ... I didn't.

I chose to indulge in my coffee for a few extra minutes, for it sounded much more enjoyable than photographic work with an imaginary camera.

In other news, I will be away until Wednesday, so sit tight. When I get back I'll be sure to update you with all the news of how the reunion between Mum and Sharyn went.

I Do Believe In Fairies

In-depth discussion with five-year-old, Brock, after watching the film "Peter Pan":

Brock: Why doesn't Peter Pan want to grow up?

Myself: He wants to stay a child forever, so he can play all the time, and not have to worry about any of the things grown-ups do, like working, bills, and housework.

Brock: What I don't like about being a kid is, when you're playing, you get interupted.

In other news, I have survived day one of the relative invasion, with only a few small cuts and bruises. The only issue we’ve really had was the grandfather who was so drunk he fell on his backside and swore we'd just experienced an earthquake.

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, to change the things I cannot accept, and the wisdom to know where to hide the bodies of the relatives I had to kill today because they pissed me off."

Perfume

Wow, feels like an eternity since I last posted. Haven't been particularly busy, just haven't had alot to write about. Okay, I lie; I've had plenty to write about, however I'm a lazy bastard and couldn't be bothered getting off my fat arse to write anything.

So here's the lowdown on what's been happening in my absence. Saturday night, I babysat for a new woman in town. Her two children (aged 18 months and 3 years) were absolutely adorable - then they woke up. Anyone noticed how even the most angelic-looking child loses his or her appeal when they wake at 1am screaming for their mother?

Sunday morning when I arrived home, I was handed a tube of personal lubricant by my dear old grandmother who seemed convinced it was ointment to relieve the joints - the picture of a moaning woman on the front of the tube wasn't a dead giveaway?

Monday, was drama day. It rained incessantly, thus causing every road in the area to flood and be closed off. This forced me to cancel my long-awaited rheumatologist appointment for today, to be postponed until the end of September; only to awake this morning to clear skies and dry roads. Ah, such is life.

I watched the film "Perfume" today, and as disturbing as it was, it had an element that made it stand out from all others. Perhaps it was the mass orgy it featured, perhaps it was the fact it ended with the main character being eaten alive by 18th century parisian peasants, I do not know. Either way, it was enjoyable, but I must say, rather disturbing. I recommend seeing it, if not for anything else then just to see Alan Rickman in that lovely prehistoric wig.

In the beginning...

In honour of Jo's new friendship webgroup (coming soon to a computer near you), I propose a toast. Please raise your glasses, (be they filled with beer, wine, cranberry juice, poison, spiked with viagra, whatever), to the friends of yesterday, today and tomorrow. May they all lead long and successful lives filled with plenty of good food, good wine, and mind-blowing sex. Although the seas may come between us, may we always be side-by-side at heart.

On a more personal note, today will soon be marked in history as the day the nut was finally cracked. My lovely family is currently visiting, (oh whay heartfelt joy it brings me), and the four charming children and two delightful adults temporarily inhabiting my household have finally (don't pretend you didn't see it coming) plotted to destroy the free world as we know it. Therefore, I fear I may have to go into hiding (I wonder if Osama has any advice on cave décor...) until they tire and depart from the residence.

Until next time folks, no worries, be happy, keep smiling, and don't forget to change your underwear daily. Adios!