Happy Holidays!

I won't be around to blog tomorrow so Merry Christmas to you all in advance. Here's hoping you all have safe and happy holidays. Try not to kill the rellies.

As for me, I'll be sitting in the pool sipping apple martinis and thanking the jolly fat man for sending the children enough plastic euphoria to keep them entertained all day. Cheers!

Barry B. Benson

So this morning I took Bree to see 'Bee Movie'. It was absolutely fantastic! Bree asked to leave halfway through, but I think the jokes were a bit over her head. I however, enjoyed it immensly, and by the end i think Bree began to appreciate the child-safe storyline.

In other news, after reading this post, I've decided to turn off word verification. To be honest, I'm not sure why I had it on in the first place!

Jingle Bells And Attempted Murder

Just got home (finally) from the very long, very stressful shoot. The photographer/agent turned up hungover to the nines, which resulted in much snapping and me struggling to keep my knife-hand away from him. It's good to be back but won't be going home for another few days as he chose to wait until the last minute to inform me that I have a meeting/interview on Saturday. So just a note to the folks back home, I won't be back until late Saturday.

Is everyone ready for Christmas? I haven't finished my shopping but not sure I could handle the crowds this time of year. Perhaps I should fork out the extra and do my last minute shopping online. Luckily, this year our family christmas get-together is on the 30th, so I can hit the after Christmas sales for most of the gifts.

Seeing as I have tomorrow free, I was thinking of taking my young cousin Bree to see Jerry Seinfeld's 'Bee Movie'. Have any readers seen it? Please comment to let me know if it's worthwhile!

Right, must bugger off as I have limited net time until I get home. Hope everyone is well!

Procrastination

Quick quote as I am dashing around the house getting ready to go to Newcastle for a photoshoot.

"Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do." - Benjamin Franklin.

Came across this earlier and thought it was brilliant.

Must run, see you all thursday!

Cocktails And Chaos

I went to my friend Johnny's 21st last night, and am now suffering the self-inflicted aftereffects. The party was deliciously chaotic, filled with catfights, break-ups, over-the-top public displays of affection, and overall riffraff. While everyone else stressed over the surrounding bedlam, I sat back with my cocktail and just observed, in hopes of obtaining some blogging material, and humorous anecdotes to tell my grandchildren in 50 years time. Of course, I received plenty of said material, but regrettably, I was so intoxicated that I cannot remember any of it today.

Speaking of bedlam, the Tantrum Theatre schedule arrived in the mail yesterday. Coincidently, two of the four productions lined up for next year, involve mental patients. Obviously, this means I will fit in quite nicely.

I appologise if this post has not been of quality, or humor, however I have an inkling the dead braincells have taken my funny bone hostage. Let's hope all negotiations go well, and everything is returned to its rightful place, unharmed, as soon as possible.

Any Other Bloggers Experienced This?

Since joining the aforementioned Entrecard network, I've recieved a sudden influx in blog traffic. Of course, like any other blogger, any increase in traffic is welcomed with open arms, however, it's quite intimidating.

Before, when my only visitors were family and friends, I never felt any pressure to produce anything of quality, it all just spilled out, and if it didn't make sense, it didn't matter. Now however, I feel an obligation to produce something of quality, something that people might actually want to read. Have any other bloggers been through this? Discuss.

Cyber Street Report

As I was browsing around Entrecard, a fantastic blogging network, I came across the Cyber Street Report. What a tremendous idea! They hold raffles for Entrecard credits, which can be used to advertise your blog on the blogs of others. Check it out!

Back In The Game

Just spoke to a place in Newcastle called "Tantrum Theatre", and they've agreed to send me out some information on their productions for next year. BOO YAH!

Clueless

Last night I got to thinking about women, and how strange and yet amazing we are.

We smile; when we want to cry.
We laugh; to conceal pain.
We say we're strong; when we want to crumple in a heap.
We say we're fine; when we're falling apart.
We say we want to be left alone; when we're craving company.
We say we don't want to talk about it; when could really appreciate a kind ear.
We say we don't want pity; when we'd love nothing more than tea and sympathy.
We say we can do it ourselves; when we'd love a helping hand.

No wonder men are so clueless!

In other news, man I hate mornings. Especially waking up from wonderful dreams where we are pally with our celebrity idol, or 3 years old again, playing with toy boats in the tub. Just one of those days where I curse the alarm and beg the sandman to come back. Ahh, such is life.

Fact of the day: Bulletproof vests, fire escapes, laser printers and windshield wipers were all invented by women.

Who Needs PR When You've Got Friends Like This?

Well, I’m home!

The reunion between Mum and Sharyn went great; a teary affair for all involved. It was great hearing stories of what mischief they got up to when they were younger. On the way home, I decided to quiz my mother on what she thought the surprise might have been.

Myself: Who did you think was going to be waiting inside?

Mother: I had no idea. I thought maybe you’d organised some superstar through your connections or something.

Myself: Like, Orlando Bloom?

Mother: Well, yeah.

Myself: You think, if given the chance, I would share him with you?

Mother: Well, no I guess not.

Myself: You can have Brad.

Mother: Deal. By the way, Sharyn was a much better surprise than Orlando.

Thank goodness for that.

Voila!

As you can see, the blog has recieved a much-needed revamp! Thankyou to Jo for her stroke of creative genius for the new name.

This morning I awoke to a most amusing conversation between myself and my grandfather, Paul.

Grandfather: Could you come out and take some pictures with the digital camera of Gran with the horses?

Myself: Mmm, okay. When did you get a digital camera?

Grandfather: ... I didn't.

I chose to indulge in my coffee for a few extra minutes, for it sounded much more enjoyable than photographic work with an imaginary camera.

In other news, I will be away until Wednesday, so sit tight. When I get back I'll be sure to update you with all the news of how the reunion between Mum and Sharyn went.

Loose Ends

I've recently recieved a couple of complaints from you perfectionist bastards that I never updated on how a few things went that I'd previously mentioned. So here goes.

Catwalk Debut. Put simply, I think I'll stick to acting; in the words of Emma Thompson, "Looking pretty is far too much effort".

NaNoWriMo. And the winner is..... Not me. 4,106 out of 50,000 words doesn't even really qualify. But I gave it a shot, and I'm still writing. Was a lot of fun and I encourage you all to give it a shot next year.

Colonel Brandon. Delicious as always, what more can I say?

Santa's Miracle Arrives 1 Yr Behind Schedule...

Last Christmas, I searched and searched, paid for friend finding sites, and pulled half my hair out, trying to find an old friend of mum's, to surprise her for Christmas. Mum's friend, Sharyn, moved to Canada 15 years ago, and although they stayed in contact for quite some time, with moving around and new phone numbers they unfortunately lost contact some years ago.

Anyway, this morning, I glanced at the flashing red light on the answering machine (which had been flashing for a few days), wishing it would go away, when I finally gave in and hit play. Who's Aussie/Canadian accent should ring out but Miss Sharyn herself! She's in Australia, visiting for a reunion in Newcastle, and was hoping to get in contact with my mother. Santa, you're the man!

I can't wait to surprise Mum, she's going to be over the moon!

Update: Called Sharyn, it's all organised! On Tuesday I will be driving Mum down there, and she has no idea what's going on. Won't tell her until we get there. How exciting!
Stay tuned, will let you all know how it goes.

That's Confidence!

Tomorrow's the big modelling debut! Somehow not nervous but definately disgusted at myself, as I spent most of the day in front of the mirror, criticising my worst points. Slightly more pathetic, I just wasted two whole hours which could have been used to make sure everything is ready for tomorrow, instead browsing the internet trying to find a celeb who looks as bad as me in a bikini, failing miserably and allowing myself a few moments to daydream about calling my agent and cancelling. Alas, I settled for pacing the house muttering "Doom. I'm doomed." over and over again.

Thankyou to the kind well-wishers who have sent lovely inspirational messages. Special thanks to Jo, who made my day with her beautiful sentiments, and Liam, whom without I would not have had this opportunity.

Stay safe folks, Ciao!


Total words for NaNoWriMo so far: 3,188 (And getting lazier by the minute.)

NaNoWriMo

Today is the first day of National Novel Writing Month, where you can challenge yourself to write a 50,000 page novel in just 30 days! To sign up, head over to the NaNoWriMo website, where you can meet others taking up the challenge, and share excerpts of you story as you write.

Twisted Nostalgia

Finally got some exercise today. I'd forgotten the blissful comfort of trainers compared to the high personal cost of the painful (yet effortlessly chic) stilletto.



As I ran the first hundred metres (before collapsing onto a fence post), I was vividly reminded of 8th grade gym class, during a lesson that suggested we run around the school breathing through a straw to see what it felt like to breathe through smoker's lungs. Of course, after the lesson, we all rolled our eyes then snuck behind the bike shed for a quick fag. Ahh, if only we had listened.



Nevertheless, I gathered myself up and completed my twenty minute run, then spent the following ten minutes doing squats and rolling around on the grass with Sara, my dog.



Phew! Think I'll go shower & get into bed to watch Sense & Sensibility. Mmm.. Colonel Brandon.

Shake, Rattle and Roll

I had to slip into Centerlink today to pick up a form, but was running late for the doctors, and in quite the rush. When I got in there, the line ahead of me was at least 4 people long, and there was nobody at the reception desk. Frustrated, I slipped over to one of the desks, where a woman was sat sipping diet coke and cleaning her nails. The conversation went down as follows:

Me: Excuse me, I'm sure you're very busy but...

Woman: Absolutely swamped actually..

Me: Yes well, I'm running late, so I was just wondering if I could pick up a TDR form please?

Woman: Just give me a moment [picks at her nails for a furthur 30 seconds, takes a swig of diet coke] Okay..

She then proceeded to hand me the form then hurry back to her desk for some furthur "busywork".

I made it to the doctors, and am now on a lovely new cocktail of pills. Pretty soon we won't need music at parties. Whenever someone feels like dancing, one of my friends will only have to pick me up and shake me to the appropriate beat.

I Do Believe In Fairies

In-depth discussion with five-year-old, Brock, after watching the film "Peter Pan":

Brock: Why doesn't Peter Pan want to grow up?

Myself: He wants to stay a child forever, so he can play all the time, and not have to worry about any of the things grown-ups do, like working, bills, and housework.

Brock: What I don't like about being a kid is, when you're playing, you get interupted.

In other news, I have survived day one of the relative invasion, with only a few small cuts and bruises. The only issue we’ve really had was the grandfather who was so drunk he fell on his backside and swore we'd just experienced an earthquake.

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, to change the things I cannot accept, and the wisdom to know where to hide the bodies of the relatives I had to kill today because they pissed me off."

The Six Year Old Medical Expert

I've been minding the terrible twosome alot more lately. Last night I had the pleasure of also looking after the 6 year old daughter of the other inhabitant of the house. She's cute, she's funny, she's a know-all - a very normal 6 year old. However, I have a feeling she may be gifted. Her knowledge of tropical diseases, bugs, and infections could rival anyone's. In other words, she's a major hypochondriac. During the course of the night she somehow managed to have gastroenteritis, 'car-sickness' and a range of other unlikely-to-happen-while-you're-sleeping conditions. She also used the "but my mummy does this..." and "but my mummy does that..." to try and get her own way. In the end I turned around and said as calmly as I could, "Well sunshine, I'm sorry, but I'm not your mummy, we're playing by MY rules tonight!" Her sickly sweet persona wore off fast after that.

In other news, I know I've been sooo lazy with this blog, and I should be shot. I like to wait til something important or interesting happens so I don't fall into the trap of "Last night I watched [insert really crappy movie title here] for the 75th time, the end."

Stay safe, Adios!

1am Noise Complaint

Yes, I am aware that you do not want to read whiny complaint blog-posts. But it's 1am and I have nothing better to do.
To set the scene, I live on a farm. The neighbours, (approx. 1km away), are having a party of some sort. Yes, yes lovely, good on them for having a social life.. However, does the music have to be SO LOUD that it is keeping me awake? For goodness sake, a whole freakin' KILOMETRE! Might I add, I'm half deaf - and they will be too by the time this party finishes!

Enough whinging, I'll be off. Til next time.. Ciao!

Perfume

Wow, feels like an eternity since I last posted. Haven't been particularly busy, just haven't had alot to write about. Okay, I lie; I've had plenty to write about, however I'm a lazy bastard and couldn't be bothered getting off my fat arse to write anything.

So here's the lowdown on what's been happening in my absence. Saturday night, I babysat for a new woman in town. Her two children (aged 18 months and 3 years) were absolutely adorable - then they woke up. Anyone noticed how even the most angelic-looking child loses his or her appeal when they wake at 1am screaming for their mother?

Sunday morning when I arrived home, I was handed a tube of personal lubricant by my dear old grandmother who seemed convinced it was ointment to relieve the joints - the picture of a moaning woman on the front of the tube wasn't a dead giveaway?

Monday, was drama day. It rained incessantly, thus causing every road in the area to flood and be closed off. This forced me to cancel my long-awaited rheumatologist appointment for today, to be postponed until the end of September; only to awake this morning to clear skies and dry roads. Ah, such is life.

I watched the film "Perfume" today, and as disturbing as it was, it had an element that made it stand out from all others. Perhaps it was the mass orgy it featured, perhaps it was the fact it ended with the main character being eaten alive by 18th century parisian peasants, I do not know. Either way, it was enjoyable, but I must say, rather disturbing. I recommend seeing it, if not for anything else then just to see Alan Rickman in that lovely prehistoric wig.

Potty for Potter

This evening I went to get my hair trimmed. That part of the story is quite boring, however, the trip home was a whole new ball game. On the way down our road, we ran into a very thick, cold fog. So thick, in fact, that you couldn't see the lights from houses mere metres away. So what is the first thought that comes into my pathetic Potter-obsessed mind? Yep, you guessed it - DEMENTORS! I honestly, for a split second, sat in fear that my soul would be sucked out through my mouth. Pitiful arn't I? For those of you who have not read J. K. Rowling's Harry Potter series, and therefore do not get the joke, I highly suggest you get off your arse and go read them right away! They really are a fantastic read, her imagination is incredible. Not just for kids either, as so many assume. Go on, laugh all you want, I'm too pathetic to be embarrassed anyhow!

Drumroll please

Today is the day you've all been waiting for, the eagarly anticipated Friendship Webgroup of Miss Joanne, is finally OPEN! And it looks superb (if I may say so myself). Congratulations Jo, and I look forward to working with you more in the future.

'Til next time folks, stay safe, and don't run with scissors. Ciao!

R.I.P. Kettle

The visitors have finally left, and even the other permanent residents of the house have cleared out for the night - Woooohooo!

Today I started a 'nazi' clean-up of the kitchen. I say 'started', as I spent over four hours on it and only managed to wipe the benches, wash all the dinnerplates, throw out the kettle, and scrub the George Foreman. Have you ever tried cleaning day-old steak residue off a George Foreman using a toothbrush? Honestly George, your grill is fantastic, but for god's sake, next time you invent a kitchen appliance, a little less of the tiny nooks and crannies would be great!

After spending one and a half hours scrubbing the kettle with any means available, (bi-carb soda, white vinegar, disinfectant, hot water, steel wool and a toothbrush), this was the end result:

Needless to say, the dead kettle went straight in the bin, and has been replaced with a brand-spankin' new one. Just like the old one - minus the grime.

Happy to announce that Jo's webgroup is nearly ready to be revealed. Looks like tomorrow may be the day! Watch this space.

Having the house to one's self calls for vodka, chocolate, and Denzel Washington. Off to self indulge, au revoir!

In the beginning...

In honour of Jo's new friendship webgroup (coming soon to a computer near you), I propose a toast. Please raise your glasses, (be they filled with beer, wine, cranberry juice, poison, spiked with viagra, whatever), to the friends of yesterday, today and tomorrow. May they all lead long and successful lives filled with plenty of good food, good wine, and mind-blowing sex. Although the seas may come between us, may we always be side-by-side at heart.

On a more personal note, today will soon be marked in history as the day the nut was finally cracked. My lovely family is currently visiting, (oh whay heartfelt joy it brings me), and the four charming children and two delightful adults temporarily inhabiting my household have finally (don't pretend you didn't see it coming) plotted to destroy the free world as we know it. Therefore, I fear I may have to go into hiding (I wonder if Osama has any advice on cave décor...) until they tire and depart from the residence.

Until next time folks, no worries, be happy, keep smiling, and don't forget to change your underwear daily. Adios!